


Equilibrium

by jaydenmaeda



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Biting, Blue Balls, Frottage, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Mutually Unrequited, Neck Kissing, Rimming, True Love, Underage Drinking, blowjob
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-24 00:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21090746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaydenmaeda/pseuds/jaydenmaeda
Summary: Kageyama had never really thought about life after high school- it just crept up on him one day. Comfortable within his schedule at Karasuno, he had no reason to question the future, or to consider anything that lay beyond his perception as a student.But life was subject to change.Though painful, his metamorphosis eventually compels his heart to challenge the frail structures within his life, but Kageyama is afflicted with an unexplained burst of melancholy.It wasn't his old life he missed. He didn't care much about the half-assed victories and exaggerated accomplishments, but he did care about Hinata.And, despite his sincere efforts to move on, Kageyama feels trapped. Was this what they called... Love?





	Equilibrium

Squirming with discomfort and existential terror, Kageyama Tobio was powerless in ceasing the tears that rolled precariously down the flesh of his cheeks. 

Melancholy was a lecherous emotion. The purpose and intent never mattered, yet the outcome was always dire. Clarity was often irretrievable, shrouded in hopeless spurts of premeditated darkness. 

The date was December 22nd. Kageyama’s birthday. 

Twenty years ago, at his conception, his mother would never have known what was in store for her first-born and only son. 

Admittedly, even if Kageyama himself was provided with a script, detailed and harrowing and raw, he probably wouldn’t have believed it. How could he?

An international star in his final year of high school, Kageyama had implemented complex physical training and perfected his mathematical understanding of his personal role within the volleyball team of Karasuno. Urged to continue this pursuit of glory, he felt somewhat empty. ‘ _ Surely,’ _ he thought, ‘ _ there was more to life than sport.’ _

And, he was right. There was more to life than having bruised hands, blistered heels, grazed knees and foreign marks all over his body. Beyond physical exertion was a world untouched by his own perception, beyond doubt and comprehension.

No longer located within Miyagi prefecture, Kageyama had strayed from the conventional path of his future. His final year of high school was beyond difficult in a myriad of ways, but, as time passed, he realized that there was even more to volleyball than he was aware of.

Inspired by the structural and physical components of the sport he had devoted his childhood to, Kageyama decided to undertake a degree in physics at the local University of Kyoto. 

The heart-wrenching process of making this decision dealt a considerably damaging blow to his mental health, but, after the first few weeks of his semester, his nerves had habitually ebbed from the overwhelming surface of that rippling pond. No longer a slave to his own emotions, Kageyama was free to experience life as a full-time physics student.

  
  
And it was utterly, holistically, eternally fucking terrible.

His family was, understandably, confused at his sudden change of pace. But, despite this, the initial shock on his mothers face had long since dissipated, replaced with unguarded pride and admiration of his accomplishments. 

All of his team members back at Karasuno had protested at first: utterly and irretrievably lost as to how Kageyama would succeed in such a competitive and demanding line of study. After all, the status of his primitive brain was well-known within the minds of his peers. 

  
  
Although they knew him well, he wasn’t as transparent as he seemed. It was easy to make assumptions. It was even easier to project your ideal version of a person onto their real, authentic self. Kageyama knew that his old team-mates were only upset at his sudden change of path due to their own feelings of inadequacy. 

The image of Kageyama as a physicist had never once crossed their minds. It wasn’t because they were bad friends, they were just incapable of considering any alternate path as abstract as this, and that was due to the subconscious notion within their hearts that they would always be together. Reformed from the ashes, Karasuno’s team had tasted the success of countless wins, and basked in the mellow depths of glory.

But that didn’t automatically guarantee Kageyama’s servitude.

No, the fates had declared that he wouldn’t be satisfied with ‘just’ volleyball- not with all of the developments prevailing in the world around him. 

Clarity was attained within one moment of consideration. He realized that, without the compelling flames of ambition and the desire to overthrow his peers, volleyball meant nothing to him. His fierce devotion was a mere byproduct of his true nature. It was applicable to anything- this urge to rise to the top was an ongoing, core aspect in terms of his sense of being. 

Physics was a gateway into understanding the thrill he gained from his strategic partnership with Hinata, who lit the most life-changing and harrowing plumes of ambition he had ever experienced. Their friendship transcended the physical traditions one would expect. As much as it pained him to admit, he missed that feeling of complete, whole, absolute devotion to another human being. It wasn’t perfect, but nothing ever was. 

Kageyama sighed, reminiscing on his time spent at Karasuno. In futile moments like this, he yearned for all he had lost. 

The people he had spent his teenage years with, the overwhelming failures and accomplishments he had endured and the feelings associated with them. The memories flooded back in an array of colour and vibrancy, sending him further down into his own mind, dismayed, lethargic, and bursting with euphoria. 

In the present moment, he was strewn miserably across the dirty sheets of his bed, astounded by the complexities of the human mind. Reminiscing on the image of his companionship with Hinata was a daily practice, but its congruous appearance in his psyche did not denote the impact it had on him.

Separation anxiety gnawed at his aching heart like a disease, frivolous, sharp, and unending. It felt as though his body was torn in several different places, allowing his blood to leak out in ceremonious spurts. 

Like a broken eggshell, his skin was torn and fragmented in all the wrong places. Shattered. Rotting. In an ideal world, he would remain staunch and prosper, despite all of the challenges thrown in his direction. 

But it stopped working ever since he left Miyagi. Now, studying for his degree, throughout one of the most important times in his descent into adult life, everything in his body was spilling out, and there was nothing he could do about it. 

Many hours were lost each day as he sat, mired by the desolation in his heart. Although the initial existential boredom had halted, the loneliness that followed was agony. Sure, he had friends in his dorm floor, but they weren’t the same. 

  
  
No one was the same. And, if they were, then Kageyama wouldn’t be sobbing on a pile of unwashed sheets during the night of his twentieth birthday, his body heaving with each broken splutter.

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
